Acceptance

There comes a point in life where we must learn to accept the things we cannot change... or so I've heard. It's a million times harder to to do than say.

Slowly I'm learning to accept that I will never have the relationship with my mother that I'd always wished I had. She was never there for me when I needed her, never helped me with homework, never gave a shoulder when there was a boy tragedy (because they were ALL tragedies back them!) and she was never really sober. Please spare me the "it's a disease" BS that I've heard so many times I think my head may actually spin. And PLEASE keep the "it's genetic" crap to yourselves. I've heard every bit of it and it's all crap. I've sat through Al Anon and Al Ateen or whatever. I'm sorry but there is always a choice. There is always something important enough to not pick up that bottle. What I can't wrap my mind around is how a child isn't enough incentive. There are some things I will never have the answers to and I'm sure that's one of them.

It's obvious my mother will never change, we will never have a relationship and she will never know my daughter. There's far too much hurt and pain to even try anymore. My childhood aside, she's done far too much to be forgiven. I mean come on, the first words out of her mouth when I told her I was pregnant with Ozzalyn were that I needed to get an abortion and she'd help pay. There's too much hurt... too much anger... too much resentment.

So on with this acceptance thing. One day at a time I guess. My only solace is knowing that my daughter will NEVER see any of the crap I ever did. I may not be able to protect her from everything but I can protect her from that. I know I'll never be like my mother, I'm too terrified of becoming her to ever be like her.

So... acceptance... I'm giving it a try.